ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.
*interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Trump is a blonde He has yellow hair! Wocka wocka!
Trump is a blonde He has yellow hair! Wocka wocka!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
do you have a girlfriend dude? Friend: yeah dude! Me: where is she from? Friend: from a different nation. Me: oh really? Which country? Friend: from imagiNATION.
do you have a girlfriend dude? Friend: yeah dude! Me: where is she from? Friend: from a different nation. Me: oh really? Which country? Friend: from imagiNATION.
What’s a woman’s favorite keyboard key? Ctrl
What’s a woman’s favorite keyboard key? Ctrl
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my cock down your throat!
What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my cock down your throat!