My psychiatrist asked me how I became so patient. I told him I was waiting on Half Life 3 to come out.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I’ll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she’s left
I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I’ll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she’s left
Two types of people in the world…. Ones who pee in the shower, and motherf**kin liars
Two types of people in the world…. Ones who pee in the shower, and motherf**kin liars
Corny Ass Joke Did you hear about the man forgotten in a freezer? I guess we can say he’s fresh to death.
Corny Ass Joke Did you hear about the man forgotten in a freezer? I guess we can say he’s fresh to death.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I’m a python. Oh you can’t get round me like that you know.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I’m a python. Oh you can’t get round me like that you know.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you, Smiling You know what’s coming next.. It’s your turn to do the laundry
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you, Smiling You know what’s coming next.. It’s your turn to do the laundry
What is Michael Bay’s favorite phone? Note 7
What is Michael Bay’s favorite phone? Note 7
What do prisoners use to talk to each other? Cell phones.
What do prisoners use to talk to each other? Cell phones.
*turns TV off* “THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!” – me every time I watch Toy Story 3
*turns TV off* “THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!” – me every time I watch Toy Story 3