Category: Cat jokes

I wish I was filled with pepperoni but instead I am filled with guilt & despair

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

I shaved all the hair of my girlfriend’s cat. Hopefully she takes the hint.

What will you find in the toilet of a ship? The captains log.

So a pirate walks into a bar… The bartender says “You look so annoyed!”. The pirate points down and says “Yargh – I have a steering wheel at the end of my penis. It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

Waiter, I’ll have what he’s having. Ok sir. One fly in your soup. Anything else?

This could just be the coffee talking but AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *lights car on fire*

If you wear a cape to a meal, you can spin it around to the front and have a full sized bib for eating

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s computer Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: “I still love Vista, baby”