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Accountant jokes

October 19, 2026Joko

What has tiny balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine you sick fuck

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What has tiny balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine you sick fuck

Accountant jokes

October 21, 2026Joko

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldnt find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldnt produce it.”Whats wrong, little oil company?” said a gruff voice nearby.She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts.”I cant find a dividend,” she said and started crying again.”Dont worry,” said the creature. “I can find you one.””How?” said the oil company, “And who are you?””Im an accountant,” he said. “As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But theres one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you.””Yes, yes!” she said, anxious only to get the dividend.The accountant disap peared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.”Ive found you a dividend,” he said.Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed.The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before.”I know what youre thinking,” smiled the accountant. “Youre quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre.””Then change back!” said t he oil company, clapping her hands.”Are you crazy?” said the accountant. “Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold.”

Accountant jokes

October 21, 2026Joko

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.”Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, weve never once had an accountant make it this far and were not really sure what to do with you.””No problem, just let me in.” said the accountant. “Well, Id like to, but I have higher orders. What were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in .” “Actually, I think Ive made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven” “Sorry, we have rules…”And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was ti me to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now its time to spend a day in heaven.”So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.”So, youve spent a day in hell and youve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.” The accountant paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought Id say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I dont understand,” stammered the accountant, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Thats because yesterday you were a recruit, but today youre staff.”——————————————————————————–An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?”He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the in terview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed.Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasnt right””We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

Accountant jokes

October 21, 2026Joko

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, Ill bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he cant see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. Youre on.””Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I dont know how you did it but thats exactly right. A bets a bet. Take any sheep.”The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”The man thinks, “How would he know, hes never met me before” and says “Righto. Youre on”.The farmer says, “Youre an auditor with a Big Four firm.”The man whistles . “How the heck did you know that?””Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and Ill tell you.”

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